integrating's Diaryland Diary
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\"Crazy Lane\"
My dad's gf always reads the email, my dad doesn't know his way around a computer.
She must've read it by now. Nothing has been said,
and when I called yesterday to tell my dad thanks for sending me money
he was nice. Didn't say anything about it.
But I'm probably going to be nervous about it for a while,
cuz maybe she hasn't told him. Maybe she doesn't intend to.
Oh well.
I'm feeling particularly anxious and sad.
My 17 yr old, AJ, posted something profound on FB.
He doesn't like me posting on his status
so I sent him a private message.
He wrote "We spend our entire lives defining who we are".
I wrote something to the effect of "I have defined that I am a total nut."
Then once again apologized for any pain I caused him
and everyone else close to me.
I got teary-eyed and felt like crying.
About a month ago my Dr prescribed me another medication
because I was sobbing so uncontrollably in his office.
Then about a week ago, because of the pressure my dad was putting on me
I started crying like that again.
That out of control, what the fuck am I doing here, crying.
I called my Dr and he doubled the dosage.
That's when my dad said my medication was a crutch.
Well he hasn't known me for the last 7 years.
I have been through a hell of a lot. A HELL OF A LOT.
And if he gets into it with me again,
I'm probably gonna let him have it with both barrels.
I appreciate his help, I really do,
I just wish he would be nice all the time.
Maybe he's just not capable.
I guess we shouldn't judge each other,
but I can't let him lead me down Crazy Lane again.
10:13 a.m. - 02.26.12
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