integrating's Diaryland
Diary
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"don't cry"
I'm sad and I don't know why. Yesterday I woke up
having a panic attack. I thought I couldn't live alone and wanted to talk to my mother really bad.
I called but I forgot they had a Dr. appt in Austin.
I'm just so frikkin depressed. Honestly I want
somebody to take care of me. I feel so fragile and
tired.
Then last night I was talking with AJ (my 17 yr old).
He's graduating in June. I was asking him what he wanted to do when school was over. He told me he
wanted to join the Army. My oldest son, Kris, went into the Army and was promptly sent to Iraq for a year. That was the worst year of my life. Wondering if he was alive or dead at any moment. AJ says they don't send soldiers to Iraq anymore, but I don't know if that's true or not. I can't live through that again. And God forbid something happens, I would not be able to pull through it. I know this for a fact. I'm just not that strong anymore.
People used to tell me how strong I was cuz of all the shit I endured. But I'm freakin tired now. Not strong at all. I'm surprised I get around on the bus as much as I do. Not easy not having a car.
I don't want to whine anymore. As my son, Kris, says. I've been sending him little notes apologizing for various things in the past. He tells me "What's wrong with you? You need a new med or something." Yeah, like I need another freakin pill. It's just that my mom is 68. I realize she is not going to be around forever. I grieve for the way I treated her in the past. It makes me cry, it makes me cry when I think of some of the things I did to my kids, and putting them in positions where they would cry because of ME. That just kills me and I end up having crying spells. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Just depressed, not able to express how much I love them and how much it makes me want to cry.
9:56 a.m. - 04.12.12
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