integrating's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- whatever I'm miserably depressed. I try to call my mom just for someone to talk to and she just gets bitchy and starts telling me to read the friggin bible. She tells me I stress her out and I'm nothing but gloom and doom, so I say "OK, I'll talk to you later." Then she gets pissed cuz she thinks I'm being dramatic. Damn, I just wanted to leave her the fuck alone. My oldest son, Kris, is coming "home" for Christmas.. HER home. She's always been more of mother to him than I have. Having a baby at 17 isn't the smartest thing I've ever done. I had mental health issues undiagnosed and untreated, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Not a good mother. Hurt everyone around me not to mention the person that should have been first in my life, my son. Now he hates me. The only time he's said "I love you" was when he got home from Iraq. I keep telling him I love him and miss him. Trying to make up for the past, but he doesn't respond. My youngest son, AJ, told me yesterday he wants to go back to FL with Kris. I said, "No! Don't go so far away from me! I won't be able to handle it!" Then the rest of the conversation was how he's going to leave eventually. He's been living with his dad since he was 11. We were homeless and school was starting in a week and I thought it would be better for him if he went to live with his father. Believe me, he's had a better life than what I would have provided for him. But it killed me to do it. When we're together, like at my mom's house, we're very affectionate and when it's time to drop off one or the other, (I don't have a car, mom has to pick us up), it's like we keep dragging out the goodbye and can't bare to part. Then he gets home and I guess he forgets. He didn't return my txts for 2 days. Finally I txtd him if he didn't respond I was going to call his dad and see if he was OK. He txtd me back. This was the beginning of afore mentioned conversation about having to move away one day. So, I'm planning suicide plots in my head. I feel totally unloved and a total waste of space. I feel like I can't cope. I'm already hurt because I can't even get a hug from Kris, now AJ is talking about moving away since he's 18. I think his dad's gf is pressuring him to move out. So, thinking about Christmas, I think "wtf", why should I even go. Nobody would miss my fucking ass. Makes me want to cry. I keep thinking of cleaning out my bank acct, sending it to my mother and boxing up the pictures I have and telling her to come pick them up. Asking her if she still has a key to my apt. Buying a gun and getting in the bathtub so as not to make a horrendous scene and putting a bullet through my head. This is real to me, and I have nobody to talk me out of this. I am completely despondent. 10:19 a.m. - 12.01.12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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