integrating's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- grief and remorse Msg from me to AJ: I look at that picture and I feel so sorry. How could I do that to you. Just give you away like a dog you couldn't care for anymore. I really hate myself for doing that to you. But you turned out to be a great and special person. God only knows what you would have turned out like had you stayed with me. You might even have mental problems like me. We had it made when I worked at the Bail Bonds, but I had been so exhausted from working every single day without a day off and trying to move everything after work to Pipe Creek and back every day by myself, I was too exhausted and wasn't thinking clearly and in a bi-polar moment quit my job. Kicking your dad out of the house was when everything started unraveling. Then quitting my job was definitely what knocked me off the horse. And I just cannot believe what I did to you. You are so precious to me and I wish I could have a redo, but that's not going to happen. It will always cause a lump in my chest and throat. So that pretty much explains why I cling to you the way I do. I can't let go. I live with remorse and grief and guilt. So don't be so hard on me. I have so many mistakes in my past that have affected the ones I love the most and that kills me inside. I do what I think is the best I can do and it's never enough. I will never be what anybody needs. I am just incapable. Msg from AJ to me: I love you too mama you did the right thing I had a stable place with my dad and ill always love you cuz yur my mama 10:38 a.m. - 02.15.13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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