integrating's Diaryland Diary

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just silence

I just went and smoked out on my porch. I know, I know, I said I was going to quit but it just helps getting out of myself. The bitch was, it was kind of windy and I kept having to spark the lighter, which was a knock off. But I don't have any close neighbors, accept the ones to the left of us and that's our back door.

This was all because Kris left a msg on the board about if the house smells like weed again I'm going to shoot you in the face. He does have a gun.

Derek had come over and gave me some. He's cool. He just gives it to me. I never pay for it and I hope Kris doesn't think I'm asking him to pay his share of cable bill, then I'm buying $20 worth of weed.

So anyway..I pay half the bills plus cable/internet by myself and I can't smoke in my room. I feel like a freakin teenager.

After the rage of yesterday, Kris stayed in his room all day today. I knew hunger or thirst would eventually draw him out. When he came out he was not acting in a rage anymore. He threatened to move out and I've been anxious ever since wondering what I would do if he did that. I called my sister to ask if I could stay with her if he moved out. (She's in Houston. I'd have to change all my Dr.s and I'm scared to death that my new shrink would take me off the 2mg Clonazapam that I've been taking forever. 1mg just wouldn't help.)

She said yes because she needs help. Mother double-amputee, diabetes, on dialysis I think 3 times a week..oldest son a deadbeat thievin little punk. He costs her so much money with lawyers and now the punk is on probation which she is paying for. Her truck is 2 payments behind and she makes too much money to get food stamps. She said for 2 weeks they were just eating anything they could find in the pantry. Been there, sorry she's having to go through so much.

Then I called my mom, (actually I called her first), and she told me I couldn't stay with them. Mainly because of my step-dad, the asshat.

Enough. If I were you I wouldn't have gotten through this much of the entry.
Good night

12:58 a.m. - 02.28.14

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