integrating's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- should've listened to your heart I broke down yesterday thinking about moving to MT and never seeing AJ or my mother again..and that's exactly what it would be. So the last time I saw my mother, that was it, won't see her ever again..and the only thing keeping her alive are these blood transfusions she's always having. She had one in May and she's already had one this month. And the last time I saw AJ, well that was it too. He's only going to have so much time at home between runs and he can't even pin that down so..last time I saw him, that's it. Yes, my living conditions are not the best. I think that's why I wanted to go live with my dad in the first place. Escape. But after my meltdown yesterday I realize I can't leave my mother or AJ behind and I really hate leaving behind my church and all the people I've become friends with. But if I keep saving my money, I will be on my own eventually. My father can be quite spiteful. If I fly up there knowing I don't want to live there then spring it on him it wouldn't be out of his realm to send me packing without money for a ticket home and I wouldn't put it past him not to give me a ride to the airport. He's like that. And, he told me, this is not a vacation, it's so you can decide whether you want to live here or not. That means I'm going in 50/50, but I can tell you if I tell him I don't want to live there he's going to go all ballistic on me like he always does. Hell, he's going to go ballistic on me when I tell him over the phone that I don't want to live there but do you still want me to come for a visit. He's going to say, No! I told you this was to decide if you want to live here or not! Did I not tell you that?! Do you know how much money I've spent so you could come up here?! I can't deal with it. Yes, it's tempting to up and move to get out of my current situation, but in my heart I can't do it. 2:46 p.m. - 06.18.16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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