integrating's Diaryland Diary

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did it again

Went to TX last week of August. Been waiting for it all summer. Our family had made plans for dinner in the town where AJ lives. That was the only time I saw him. Then the damn gas shortage started. Nobody had any gas. AJ lives 40 mi from us. Where we live is basically an intersection. Two gas stations. Two restaurants. Small grocery store, dollar store...not much.

There was NO gas. Both stations were out. Bandera was out. AJ lives in Boerne and they were out, so we were sticking close to home. Kris was so out of gas he didn't even have enough to get TO the station. Everybody was using FB to find out where the gas was. Then somebody turned us on to an app called Gas Buddy. You enter your zip code and they tell you where the gas was. As soon as one of our stations had gas we hauled ass over to get Kris at least enough gas to get to the station. It was kinda funny actually.

Kris lives down the road so we got to spend almost every day together. I just regret he didn't feel like taking me to visit Derek. I was staying with my cousin Tracey. She has a spare room. We had a blast. She didn't want to see me go. Even though her brother was going to take me to the airport, she took off a couple of hours to take me herself. She left her care in the drop-off lane and came into the airport with me. Then there was an announcement about not parking in the drop-off lane. I said, "I think they're talking to you Tracey." lol. She's crazy. Then she called me the next morning all sad telling me how sad she was when she woke up and I wasn't there. That touched my heart.

Having gone home and seeing everybody and feeling like I was where I belonged...and only getting to see AJ once, he was so down because he couldn't see me and I felt so bad he spent $400 to get me down there....it was just so sad. But at least I got to see Kris and a lot of time with Tracey. Her daughter and her husband and their 4 yr old daughter live there too. Her son-in-law, the one who threw the bottle rocket in the fire pit and almost blinded me...I talk non-stop when I'm stoned and he was cracking up at everything I was saying...their daughter Olivia is so damn cute. Everyday I asked her if I could spend the night again. "Yeah." Then one day she was all excited. "Tomorrow I'm going to go see my grandma. You wanna come with me?" So damn cute.

I haven't smoked since 2014 because in San Antonio I had to sign contracts agreeing to random piss tests. I got called up and it just so happened that I had just moved out to bum fuck egypt and didn't know where to get any so I was clean. That really scared me so I stopped smoking. Well out here in MT, they haven't had me sign one so....I got stoned! How wonderful!! I've been smoking since I was 13 and it makes me chill, funny as hell and creative. I used to write some really profound shit. It hurts that I am not creative anymore.

I've been here a year and have no social life. The computer is my only social life. I simply exist. I miss TX and my family sooooo bad. I hate it here. My dad won't let me leave with my truck until it's paid off, which is $2000. I can't live that long.

So...last week, without any emotion, no sadness, no tears, no regret....I wrote a suicide note. Started, "I can't take it anymore." Then told my dad about all my accts to take care of. Waited til he went to sleep, put the letter and bank books and stuff on the coffee table where he could find it, and then down my suicide bottle I've been saving for years. Not even one ounce of care of what I was doing. I went to bed. Expecting not to wake up. My next memory was leaning over the kitchen sink gagging. My dad comes in and asks if I was OK. I was trying to say 'hospital', but it wasn't coming out right. He kept saying, "What?" Finally I took a deep breath and yelled, "Hospital!!" So he took me to the nearest hospital an hour away. I slept the whole time.

I remember my dad brought a walker for me because I couldn't walk on my own. I remember struggling to get into the hospital and that's it. Next memory was looking around the ambulance. Next memory was waking up in the hospital on the incoming side. You couldn't leave until you could behave. Well, I wasn't behaving. When I found out you could live like a human being if you could get to the other side of the hospital I changed my tune. What a fucking relief.

I think that's all I can write about right now.

11:00 p.m. - 09.29.17

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