integrating's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- being bi-polar sucks. it's awesome I've been so full of rage since I woke up. I've kept myself busy, cussing the entire time, but busy. Started crying, called AJ, the wise one. After talking and telling me how happy he was that he was talking to me instead of crying because I wasn't here anymore, he told me to go take a walk, that it would make me feel better. I guess it did in a way. Gave me time to think instead of just sitting on this computer doing nothing, or laying in bed with the TV on not watching it. Made me realize how fucked up I am without medications. Long ass story which I don't even want to get into or it will get me all pissed off again, let's just say I got a nurse in trouble at the hospital.......so her friend, the Dr, who is also going to get into trouble, gave me a script for the anti-depressant I need in order to not want to die every moment of the freakin day. It was supposed to be a month's supply, qty 60. Well, it was qty 10. Ten!!! So I called the pharmacy, we all know each other by first name because this is a small town, so I asked her about it and she said she was sorry but that's the way it was written. So all week since I got out of the hospital, Monday, I've been calling that bitch's office to straighten this shit out. Never there, nurse that answers having the time of her life pissing me off. So I called Donna at the pharmacy and she knew exactly who I was talking about and said she would send a fax right then. Don't know what's going to happen, but I keep thanking the Universe I have a Dr appt tomorrow with a real Dr, no more nurse practitioners for me. Did I mention the last one was overdosing me by a huge margin on my anti-depressant? Never mind.... I just wanna yell "Asshole!!!" out the window at everyone that drives by. I'm so full of rage. When I think I've tried to kill myself with pills three times, and this last time should've done it. My God, what a massive dose. I don't remember, god I'm probably repeating myself, fuck it. This bi-polar shit is kicking my fucking ass. I'm so enraged, but I'm such a nice person and I occasionally remember this and just stop and quiet my mind then start over. I am consciously trying to think before I speak. Watch my tone and my words....but I can come here and bitch, eh? pff Guess I'm OK now. (This is where it was supposed to end. Don't know what's up with d-land but I do know it won't get fixed. WordPress here I come) One day during group this young guy walks in and everybody was happy to see him. Apparently he never comes out of his room. I had the same experience the first time I was in a psych hospital. I stayed in my room curled up in the fetal position with my back to the door for 3 days. I didn't even get up to go eat. By the 4th day I got kinda hungry, lol. Then I came out and was unaware everybody was worried about me not coming out of my room. Everybody was all smiling and talking to me and pulling out a chair for me. I thought I was in the freakin Twilight Zone. After that I didn't stay in my room anymore....So, I thought I could be the one who could talk to this guy and share my experience with him and show him that I could relate. So I left some little gifts with a note and my #on it outside his door. Our rooms were right next to each other. He txted me and thanked me and we started talking by text. I think he was happy to have someone to talk to. Then the day I was leaving I saw him and told him I was leaving and he hugged me and I told him I would keep in touch. Well I did, only he never responded, so after 3 days I txt him that I was no stalker and I hoped he felt better and to hang in there and good bye. It made me sad cuz I really liked him. While I was walking I thought, "You try to kill yourself and you'd think somebody might care. Well get over that shit." One of my best friends of 30 yrs was being so verbally abusive to me...the fucking day I came home! I let it go for a few days because it really hurt my feelings, then i txted him and told him what he said to me was really harsh...and he just kept going on verbally abusing me even more and even worse. I felt like shit. I unfriended him. I had to. He's always telling me how I let people treat me like shit when he's always treated me like shit. Asshole. 5:45 p.m. - 10.01.17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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