integrating's Diaryland Diary

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first christmas without her..... (Part 1)

Momma didn't tell us she had been having blood transfusions. One day we were all around the dining room table and she finally worked up the nerve to tell us. Said she had been having blood transfusions because her platelets weren't sticking together. Said if it didn't work it would turn into cancer. Kinda felt like my heart had just dropped down into my stomach. I said, "that's leukemia!" Wasn't leukemia, but it was some kind of blood cancer. She told us about her conversation with her doctor. She had asked her, "why do you just wanna keep me alive?!" I don't know why I didn't realize in that moment she was telling me she was terminal. I don't know why I didn't see the heart-breaking fear in her eyes.
I've been sitting here re-writing how I felt at that moment. So now that my hands are shaking and the tears are coming, I guess this is where I leave off today.

11:42 a.m. - 12.27.19

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