integrating's Diaryland Diary

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\"like a cancer\"

Yesterday...my dad's been badgering me about getting a
job. I've mentioned before I'm on disability for
mental and physical reasons...Anyway, before I
got my disability and had no income and had to
rely on others to help me out, I felt totally
useless and would just sob all the time. I
felt like there was no reason for me to even be living.

So another phone call from my dad... I start sobbing
uncontrollably. Called my mom, she wasn't
there. Called my aunt, my dad's sister, and
through the sobs told her "I think I made
a mistake bringing my dad back into my life." She
said "You may have."

She knows my dad and how manipulative and judgmental
he can be. He has no compassion for anyone that has any kind of problem.

Talking with my aunt is like talking to a therapist.
Which is great because she got me to
stop crying and made me feel better and gave me
new strength to not let my dad get to me so bad.

When I finally got my disability it was like I could
breathe again. I still have to deal with
severe anxiety every day, but I no longer have that
weight on me about being a waste of space. I
had my little routine every day and I just
handled things a little better. Then I just had to go
and find my dad on the internet. I'm like a
little dog that forgives its master for beating her.
Just keep coming back for more.

Ya know the day before I attempted suicide my dad told
my mother, (speaking about me), "If
something's broken you throw it away." That really hurt.

But I can't let him hurt me anymore. He drags me down
to the depths of hell itself.

I don't know what to do when he calls. My aunt says if
he starts in on me to just hang up on him, lol.
I don't know if I can do that, but I'm pretty
good about coming up with bullshit lies.
"Oh someone's at the door." "Oh something's
burning on the stove." etc.

Yeah, I just gotta stop letting him hurt me...

My mom said if someone has nothing but a
negative impact in your life you
just gotta cut them out like a
cancer.
I guess that's where I'm at.

10:58 a.m. - 02.17.12

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