integrating's Diaryland Diary


NEXT GOAL or Taco Tuesday

I had to go to ER because my Dr was unavailable, as usual. They see me a lot at the ER because of that. The pain of the lymph node was horrible, I knew all I needed was an antibiotic. I'm good now. But my Dr doesn't make any time for patients that need to be seen asap. She is the reason I was bedridden for 7 mos, no pain relievers except over the counter. I was taking a handful of both Tylenol and ibuprofen every 3 hrs. I was in the most heinous pain. We didn't know what the pain was from. I was constantly asking for something for the pain and was told to take over the counter. It affected every minute of my life for 7 months of heinous pain. I couldn't sit down. I dreaded when I had to use the toilet because every time I was crying out of frustration because there was no reason that I had to live like that. Like I said, I was constantly denied pain relief. I finally was at the point I was going to kill myself. I called and I was sobbing and telling them over and over that I couldn't take it anymore. That's when she finally made an appt to finally see me. After the x-rays and MRI they saw that a bulging disc I'd had for years had broken and there were pieces wrapped around a nerve. The surgeon wanted to get me in asap because I had been suffering for so long, and they were squeezing me in their schedule, but I only had one week to get permission from my Dr. She was unaware of all of this. I went to get the paperwork from her to OK the surgery. She knew damn well I'd been suffering forever. She was asking me the qualifying questions and I answered yes to a question about dizziness and she said, "Nope, you can't have surgery." I'm assuming it's a power thing with her and I yelled at her to change the answer. At my follow-up appointment after the surgery, I told her I was pain free. She said, "Well if you'd done it in September like I said to." I really wanted to punch her. She falsely took credit for something again since then, but I can't remember what for. I need a new Dr. The hospital had a flippin meeting and decided they weren't going to see me anymore because I was "belligerent."
This was right after an attempted suicide and 7 days in the psych ward. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is why I was yelling and causing a ruckus. I did not hurt anybody, I didn't even threaten to hurt anybody. I was like, are you kidding me? I'm from San Antonio, you wanna know what THEY deal with everyday up on the 4th floor that is especially for us children that don't play well with others?? I hate Montana, and despite the oven known as Texas, and now the virus, I want to go home. I finally, after 3.5 years of verbal and psychological abuse, complete and total hopelessness, living in a town of six people that I know of, and two suicide attempts, I was able to get my own apartment, which literally saved my life. I couldn't take anymore of my dad and told my counselor I wasn't going to make it past 3 months, and I was serious. He talked with the mgr of Housing and they expedited my application. I barely made it before quarantine shut everything down. Took me awhile to stop freezing up every time I did something that would have pissed him off. I'm still dealing with that a little bit. His favorite things to call me on a daily basis was "fucking idiot" and "moron." After I moved out I realized I say that to myself in my head whenever I do something stupid. When I realized that, I substituted those ugly words with "dum dum." It doesn't make me mad and it reduces the seriousness of the situation. I've actually gotten there. Yay! Today I pick up my new baby. I lost my beautiful cat on the 3rd and today I pick up the five month old kitten that, sight unseen, I
adopted from a no-kill Rescue Shelter. When I went to meet her I saw that she looks exactly like the cat I just lost. Things have a way of working out. Getting away from my father was a goal I thought I'd never see. Now my goal is to get back to Texas when this lease is up in February. Wish me luck?

10:13 a.m. - 06.23.20


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