integrating's Diaryland Diary



After five long years of cruelty and despair, (I used to be a walking dictionary, now I'm a human lie detector), and a home invasion that has changed me forever, I am finally escaping this vortex of Hell.

If it weren't for the stimulus check that I am anxiously waiting for, I would still be stuck here and I seriously doubt my mind could take it. As it is, I cry every day. I won't leave my apartment unless I absolutely have to. I am in intense physical pain because the last disc in my spine is halfway in and halfway out. About 90% of the spinal fluid is being blocked, and it is about an inch away from a nerve which has left me physically disabled. I don't want to keep talking about that. I'm in constant pain and it's like pulling wisdom teeth trying to plead my case to get a frickin' refill of flexeril, however you spell that. That says everything.

I wanted to give 30 days notice March 1st, but I doubted I was going to get my check before the end of the month. I'm having anxiety because I'm stressing out. Should I give notice April 1st? My stomach is in knots because the first check took 4 months. The second one came in a flash. I'm not trying hard enough to relax and let it be and remind myself there's no reason to worry. I can handle whatever life throws my way. That much I know.

6:20 p.m. - 03.21.21


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