integrating's Diaryland Diary

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i called the crisis line and it went to voicemail. story of my life.

My day did not start off very good. I've had a pinched nerve in my lower back for about 10 days now. Yesterday was the first day I could stand up straight, but I can't walk much without really bad pain. Had an appt with my back surgeon this morning. All new staff, doc was not there, he was in surgery. Saw a new nurse, (I'm guessing she was a nurse), and told her what I just told you.
Continuing... I told her I've had to call people to help me. A friend to pick up my prescription pain med, a local teen that has been helping me do things since I moved in here in Feb. He came around the corner on his bike while I was moving into my apartment and asked if I needed help. He's been helping me ever since. But now I've needed help taking the trash out and checking my mail because I couldn't stand up or walk.

At the close of the appt she very rudely told me to stop playing the victim and having everybody do everything for me.
That felt like a bitch slap, and those words were on a loop in my mind.
I needed things at the grocery store, but I didn't think I could do all that walking. So then my own inner drill sergeant started yelling at me to buck up and get it done. She flipped the switch in my mind and released all the voices.
I sat in the truck in the grocery store parking lot. I needed help.

I texted Eli, my counselor, because I was thinking about driving head on into an 18 wheeler.
My mind was flitting all over the place until I felt how tired my spirit was.
Eli wasn't answering. When I feel like that, I only want to talk to Eli because he knows everything about me, and he will know the right things to say.
So I sat there. I would think, "you don't have to leave the house for the rest of the week. Get this done. It's now or never." And then I would think about walking to the door.
"How much longer will I be able to walk once I get there?" This became a revolving scenario until all my frustrations collided and I broke down sobbing.

I was thoroughly spun. I called Eli this time. He didn't answer. I called my psychiatrist's office and they gave me the number for the crisis line. My psychiatrist is always unreachable.
Still sobbing I called the crisis line and it promptly went to voicemail with a plethora of options.

I hung up and tossed the phone onto the empty seat. Perfect.

Eli called me back while I was in the store, telling myself whenever I got distracted, "hurry up!"
I was no longer in crisis, I just felt fragile, like a balloon. Holding it all together, but all I needed was a prick to send me to the ever after.

I came home and slept. Sleep is good. I want to sleep right now.
I want to take a peek at the election coverage, but I'm trying to remain calm and there is a conflict of interest there.

Whatever happens happens. We'll deal with it.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

12:17 a.m. - 11.04.20

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